Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → It's been a while

Short #1 - Chapter 1


It was always with some degree of consternation that Richard Hanover answered his private holo. Almost certainly it would be some off-world farming rep, or perhaps a paleontologist, seeking Hanover's advice over something quite outside his field. And, almost as certainly, he would be forced to turn the caller down. After all, these private calls were expensive, and an exobotanist such as himself could not afford to expend over trivial things like fossils and farming techniques. Hanover wished, at the very least, that these people would have the decency to waste his time and money on a public terminal. When the holo came to life, however, it was not a farmer or scientist who greeted him. It was a government man, with all his airs of importance and officiality seeming to penetrate the cube of light that contained him.
The G-man spoke immediately. "Hello, Dr. Hanover. We at the Coalition have something that may interest you." There was a tone of secrecy beneath the rich tenor -- and the CIPP? What could they possibly want from Hanover? In any case, his curiosity had been piqued.
"Oh," he replied, tentatively, "and what might that be?"
"You'll forgive me, but it is a rather urgent matter. Our scientists on Cyrion would like to consult you personally, and the Coalition would like to keep things... Confidential, until we are certain of what we're dealing with."
"Well, you'll forgive me, but -- wait, Cyrion? You're insane! I couldn't afford even a fraction of the travel expenses, and on top of that I'd be leaving my life's work in the hands of-- of--"
The G-man took this opportunity to interject. "The Coalition is well aware of your work, Dr. Hanover. In fact, that is entirely the reason why we chose you as consultant. Your degree of excellence is unmatched by any of our own exobotanists, and as yet you have no ties to the planet of Yorke beyond your studies. We would offer you greater opportunities."
"That may be true, but I cannot simply take your word for it! I have no funds for a trip across the stars, and my work here is much too important to be dropped for mere supposition--"
"Ahh, but it is not supposition," the G-man cut in again. "And of course, the Coalition offers to front all expenditures. Even this private call is being charged to our own account." He noted with unexpressed satisfaction that Hanover began to cool off at these words.
For a while, there was only silence. The G-man stared intently at Hanover, and Hanover stared intently at the floor. An air of deliberation began to gather around the scientist -- so thick, it seemed to the G-man, that he could reach through the holo and cut it with a knife. It was Hanover who finally made the motion.
"Suppose," he started, once again with the uncertain tone, " . . . suppose that I agree. Will I have time to end my current pursuits? And how long would I be on Cyrion, for that matter. I should wish to return here promptly after I've helped you with this . . . whatever-it-is. Mind you, that is only if I agree." The G-man chuckled at this, which only added to Hanover's disconcertion.
"I am afraid, Dr. Hanover, that you will be given no such time. There is a Coalition ship waiting for you at the orbital dock as we speak. As well, we would not wish to imply that you have any real choice in the matter -- this call was merely a courtesy notice. There will be another representative with you shortly who will provide transportation. I'd suggest you start preparations immediately."
With that, the transmission was cut, and Hanover's cry of indignation was left hanging in thin air.

Hello, Poison! It's so nice to see old faces again.

I hope you don't mind if I offer my criticisms. I haven't read anything you've written in quite some time.

Firstly, why do people outside of Hanover's field ask him questions? Is there a reason they go to him in particular?

Secondly, this sentence doesn't sit well with me.

It was a government man, with all his airs of importance and officiality seeming to penetrate the cube of light that contained him.

An air of deliberation began to gather around the scientist -- so thick, it seemed to the G-man, that he could reach through the holo and cut it with a knife.

Not at all, Tacks. You make some good points, at that.

Firstly, why do people outside of Hanover's field ask him questions? Is there a reason they go to him in particular?

Secondly, this sentence doesn't sit well with me.

Fourthly, the point of view seems to flip flop between Hanover and the "government man" at random points in the conversation.

How could the man sense the deliberation?

Why would anyone want to cut a thick air of deliberation with a knife? That phrase is also somewhat cliche, it's typically best to avoid both cliches and adverbs, and use both sparingly.

Sixthly, why on earth did the Coalition man wait for Hanover to hem and haw before telling him that he has no choice in the matter? Don't add something like that in for the sole purpose of adding some sort of false drama, it usually doesn't work.

The first chapter should begin to create a complex world that the reader can really sink into.

I have a couple things to say about your "style".

If you have to explain to the reader that whatever lack of description you have going on is a "style," then your writing definitely is missing something.

Also, before you try to develop some brand new style, you should try to understand the basic rules of writing novels first. Dali and Picasso didn't start out painting strange shapes and settings. They first spent years learning about the human form and the rules of lighting and color.

If you're looking for good criticism, I wouldn't start here. The people who will spend the time reading and critiquing properly in this forum will be people who know you, and that will cloud their criticisms. You should try to find a writing forum tailored specifically for writing critiques.

I suggest places like

reddit.com/r/scifiwriting
reddit.com/r/shutupandwrite

for more casual critiques from strangers. There are more subreddits similar to those, so you can look around to find one that suits what you want.

I'm sure it'll get more interesting within the next few chapters, but for now, your story sounds a lot like a very generic science fiction short story.
It has:
a) Generic brilliant scientist man who doesn't like people and who is forced into something reluctantly
b) Generic mysterious government organization with overly secretive secret agent
c) Generic futuristic technology

Eh. If I wanted to be a conventional writer, I would have written conventionally.

I understand the rules well enough, its not as if I've just begun to do this sort of thing. But I don't want to be Picasso or Dali. Or Hemingway or Milton or any other famous author, for that matter. What I care about is writing and sharing stories, not popularity or convention. So long as even just one person enjoys a thing I've written, that's good enough for me.

The characters are unoriginal, sure, but this is just practice for me. I'd ask you to find just one written work that lacks anything generic, though. And the "generic futuristic technology" bit really is just unfair, you'd see things like that in pretty much every sci-fi work set in an age of great technological development. The idea of holographic communication in particular has been around for ages, so you might as well complain to every other science fiction author if you're going to get onto me about it.

It's kind of redundant to request critique and then refuse it, claiming to simply be unconventional, or to just be practicing.

Being able to appreciate the theory of writing and its beauty is a huge part of being a writer, whether you're doing it for yourself or for other people. I wouldn't be offering my criticisms if I didn't think you'd be better off with them, but I can tell when my opinion isn't needed.

I show up to see how armorgames is going for first and only time in years and who shows up at the same time? PoisonArrow.

Small world.