btw I remembered where I heard this, it was in the movie Religioulus by Bill Maher. They also say other things, maybe they are incorrect, so you can correct me:
You might as well take your knowledge of the Catholic Church from the Penn & Teller episode about the Vatican.
God, the Father, who is a physical man with a body of flesh and bones, probably about 6 feet tall,
I'm not sure where you got the height from, but the other part is true.
Doctrine and Covenants, Chapter 130, Verse 22: "The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man's; the Son also; but the Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a personage of spirit. Were it not so, the Holy Ghost could not dwell in us."
lives at a place called Kolob
The Lord does not live at Kolob, but Kolob is the closest celestial body to the residence of the Lord. I can see how you might have gotten that mixed up.
, had a sexual relation with Mary - remember he's a man
The LDS Church is divided on this issue. I can't really deliver a verdict here.
Dark sin is a curse from God,
This is technically true. The Lord marked the Lamanites with dark skin to punish them for their wickedness, but the Lamanites' descendants have been forgiven, so now dark skin is just as acceptable as any other color.
but if you're sufficiently righteous, dark skin persons can become light skin
Your soul would appear pure and bright in heaven if you were righteous in your life. I'm not sure if that means your skin.
After his resurrection Jesus came to the America to preach to the Indians
Jesus was resurrected in the Americas and brought an era of peace to the warring Lamanites and Nephites. He did not come to the Americas to preach, but he was here for a short time.
The Garden of Eden was in Missouri.
Yes
The new Jerusalem will be there
Sort of. Zion is expected to be in Missouri, but it could be anywhere.
American Indians are a lost tribe of Israel
No. We believe in the lost tribes of Israel, but they are not Native Americans. They remained among the Jews in Israel, and eventually spread throughout the world.
The Mormon church baptizes dead people (e.g. Joan of Arc, Buddha, Anne Frank, Adolph Hitler, Josef Stalin, Genghis Kan)
We do perform baptisms of the dead, but not for those you've listed.
Caffeine is evil
Well...sort of. That's an
extreme exaggeration, but I can see where it comes from. We are not allowed to drink strong drinks, hot caffeine drinks such as coffee are included in that, but we don't believe that they are evil.
Here's the food stuff in the Word of Wisdom.
No wine or strong drink, with the exception of the pure, sacred wine used in Sacrament. "Strong drink" includes most drinks with caffeine such as coffee.
No tobacco or drugs, unless used for medicinal purposes.
Meat is to be eaten sparingly, we should respect the lives of other animals.
Eat lots of fruits, vegetables, and grains.
According to the Divine Promise at the end of the Word of Wisdom, people who follow these things will be blessed with divine health and wisdom.
Temple garments protect you from: fire, knives, bullets, Satan.
No; no; no; in a way.
Temple garments are a reminder of the covenants taken in the Endowment. They are sometimes seen as protection against temptations and evil because they remind you of your loyalty to the LDS Church. Once you have been Endowed, you must wear garments at all times except for certain activities in which you cannot wear garments underneath the normal clothes, such as swimming. After you complete these activities, you are to put the garments back on immediately. You are allowed to wash them, so you would normally keep a few pairs of sacred garments on hand so you can switch out when you're washing one.
That one is just plain ridiculous...I have no idea where they got the protection against fire/bullets/knives thing from, unless they were just making stuff up. -.-
They [the Mormons] give you a secret password to get into heaven
Sort of. The highest members of the church possess a spiritual key type of thing(I'm not quite sure what it is, it's a secret thing) so they can gain access to the highest levels of heaven. Anyone can enter heaven, no matter their religious beliefs. Mormons live in the presence of the Lord as deities in their own right: non-Mormons are punished or rewarded in heaven according to the deeds in their life(good people are rewarded, evil people are punished).
Whew, that took a while.