As some of you might already know. I'm Moon. This is my third attempt at keeping a thread alive.
It's totally gonna die, and I might cry. But it's worth a try :3
^ Poem of the OP. Please Help the poem prove itself wrong, and don't let it die. Donate your time and feedback to this poor thread, so it can feed it's baby poems. :>
Anyways. I'm not really sure what all this will contain, I just hope there will actually be people willing to help me become better at whatever I try to do. So... I guess that means I will be writing (duh), drawing, and other artsy-fartsy stuff I shall attempt.
So... That's all I have for the OP! I hope that all onlookers will enjoy what I do!
Anyways, your 3(4?) year old poems aren't as bad as you make them out to be. Also, I'm noticing the reoccurring motif in your old poems of happiness, beauty, individuality, etc, which puts me in a good vibe after reading them, even if they're not the "best" poems. It's the message that's conveyed, not simply the content.
Anyhoo, I demand that you give us your first 2014 poem this instant! >
Anyhoo, I demand that you give us your first 2014 poem this instant! >
That's not quite how things work, darling. But maybe sometime I will get around to it.
Anyways.
July 5th, 2010
I wake to the dawn. The early morning sun, Is rising to greet me. Fills me with energy, As I wonder what I will see.
I step out into the sunlight, Looking upon all the beautiful colors of nature. The green on the leaves and the green of the ground. A lavender flower petal falls without making a sound.
I walk with a purpose. Throughout my day. The light, bouncy, air around me, Begs for me to play.
So I skip through the yellow fields of wheat. I climb up the old, faithful tree. This day is such a wonderful treat. It is amazing just to be.
When the day begins to darken, I begin to feel tired. So I walk back to my home, And dream of the beauty of nature. I am ready for a new dawn.
It is worth fighting for, My country's honor is worth this war. I don't care if I die today. Hell, I'm not even getting paid. _____
Alright this one was just messing around on the FLP, so I don't exactly count it as a legit piece of work, so I'm gonna add the next one on to this post as well. _____
July 9th, 2010
Staring into the night I see How amazing dark can be. Stars are glistening. People are asleep. Looking into the water, You can't tell how deep. All is quiet. You are alone. To ponder the thoughts, Of places unknown. Streaks of soft light begin to show. Light clouds caress the sky. The night begins to fade, although, You will see such beauty again. When the day says good bye. _____
Ah, this one I kind of like. The rhythm of this one kind of gets funky at the end, and I'd like to change that but I'm not quite sure how. I don't think that I do these visually descriptive poems much, so they are not always the best. But alas I shall seek improvement.
I'll be attempting to keep this alive while I'm in school, but please bear with me if I skip over a few days. (if any of you are even bothering to look at this, I do appreciate it)
It's a great poem Moon, I love the subject of it too. As it is about night time and how peaceful and gentle it is with everything is silent I feel the lines should be slightly re-structured. If you lengthened the lines of the first half (line 3 back spaced onto the previous line) and connect the next couple of lines after that together to give it more structure also building the poem up more. After
You can't tell how deep.
I think there should be a break and start a new stanza. In the second stanza you can have the lines shorter with enjambment which will emphasize each line until the finale.
It's a great poem Moon, I love the subject of it too. As it is about night time and how peaceful and gentle it is with everything is silent I feel the lines should be slightly re-structured. If you lengthened the lines of the first half (line 3 back spaced onto the previous line) and connect the next couple of lines after that together to give it more structure also building the poem up more. After
You can't tell how deep.
I think there should be a break and start a new stanza. In the second stanza you can have the lines shorter with enjambment which will emphasize each line until the finale.
Thank you! I agree with you completely, and when I'm writing these down I will most definitely make these changes.
I recited this poem in the chat, I think the dramatic effects won me over.
Oh god Frank did you really..... seriously....
While reading through these, I was convinced the first letter of every line would spell out a message of some sort
Sorry to disappoint.
July 21st, 2010
As the tiger runs, I try to run alongside. I can't keep up, But he slows down, Natures rules we both abide.
I see no danger in him, He doesn't see it in me. He is just a majestic beast, Waiting to be free.
So I will run beside him, Faithfully as a friend. And we will both wait patiently, Till we can run again. _____
I kind of like the idea I had behind this one, but I feel like it's just too short and I forced the rhyme was just way too forced. Ah well.
Successful Resurrection Has just now occurred. No apparent infection Is your vision at all blurred?
Even though you aren't perfection, I'll put you with the successful collection. You name is Resur S. The Third SURPRISE! You are half bird!
Now I will throw you into a crate Where for one whole year you get to wait Then I will take you out again And that is when the tests will begin!
Don't you worry, we will keep you fed. Pick one for now, Water or bread? Now just sit there and watch the rest die. Why, do you ask? Because they can't fly.
Lets hope you can in a year or so. Because if not, then into the trash you'll go! It isn't evil, but it isn't great. Now sit down and contemplate your fate.
