Moon's Metrophobia - Armor Games Community

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Nurvana

2,520 posts

Farmer

Posted February 18, '14 9:58pm UTC

I am open for criticism!

Can I criticize the lack of new material?

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted February 19, '14 5:32pm UTC

Can I criticize the lack of new material?

You can, but it won't get you very far. I have attempted at writing in the FLP, but it is quite a disaster.
_____

The emotional sea,
slowly kills,
by swallowing me.

Pulling me under,
as I reach the top,
As the sky continues to thunder.

Fury, depression, love, hate,
choke my heart,
till it's too late.

No one tried to save me,
they just watched me drown,
even though they could all see.

They saw how,
I needed help,
But it doesn't matter now.

Their sweet lies,
Muffled my screams,
No one could hear my terrified cries.

So here I will die,
Because I can't win the fight,
I wasn't strong enough to defy.
_____

I'm so sorry I have to keep posting these pieces from when I was a little punk I am so very sorry please forgive me
_____

These are the two things that I have recently done in the FLP. I may try to come back and expand on them after I'm done with the archive mess, but we shall see

I almost forgot to tell you, but
I left my heart in your hands.
I didn't mean for it to happen.
This was never in my plans.
__

Dum didalee doo
The pit-pat of my shoe
Dum didalee dee
The tip-tap on my knee
__

It physically pains me that I can't seem to write anything with meaning anymore. But I shan't give up! I will keep attempting. Prepare yourselves.

[quote]Can I criticize the lack of new material?[/quote]\r\nYou can, but it won't get you very far. I have attempted at writing in the FLP, but it is quite a disaster. \r\n_____\r\n\r\nThe emotional sea,\r\nslowly kills,\r\nby swallowing me.\r\n\r\nPulling me under,\r\nas I reach the top,\r\nAs the sky continues to thunder.\r\n\r\nFury, depression, love, hate,\r\nchoke my heart,\r\ntill it's too late.\r\n\r\nNo one tried to save me,\r\nthey just watched me drown,\r\neven though they could all see.\r\n\r\nThey saw how,\r\nI needed help,\r\nBut it doesn't matter now.\r\n\r\nTheir sweet lies,\r\nMuffled my screams,\r\nNo one could hear my terrified cries.\r\n\r\nSo here I will die,\r\nBecause I can't win the fight,\r\nI wasn't strong enough to defy.\r\n_____\r\n\r\nI'm so sorry I have to keep posting these pieces from when I was a little punk I am so very sorry please forgive me \r\n_____\r\n\r\nThese are the two things that I have recently done in the FLP. I may try to come back and expand on them after I'm done with the archive mess, but we shall see \r\n\r\nI almost forgot to tell you, but\r\nI left my heart in your hands.\r\nI didn't mean for it to happen.\r\nThis was never in my plans.\r\n__\r\n\r\nDum didalee doo\r\nThe pit-pat of my shoe\r\nDum didalee dee\r\nThe tip-tap on my knee\r\n__\r\n\r\nIt physically pains me that I can't seem to write anything with meaning anymore. But I shan't give up! I will keep attempting. Prepare yourselves.

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IcyIndia

1,344 posts

Nomad

Posted February 20, '14 2:06pm UTC

write anything with meaning anymore.

Meaning doesn't need to be unhappiness. Try something meaningful that's more external?

So this is just me, but I don't rhyme in my poetry because I feel constrained by the words I have to choose to fit a rhyme. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe you should try something without rhyming.

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted February 21, '14 5:40am UTC

Where there is life
There is death.
Where there is doom
There is hope.
Where there is hate
There is love.

It holds us together,
As much as it tears us apart
It cuts us away from each other,
While taping us all back in place.

Such contradictions
We will never understand
And to live through them
Is something that can't be planned

What do you choose?
Love, Hope, and Life?
Or Death, Doom, and Strife?
It isn't up to the world,
It is up to you.
What will you do?
_____

So this is just me, but I don't rhyme in my poetry because I feel constrained by the words I have to choose to fit a rhyme. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe you should try something without rhyming.

I really wish I could. It's sort of difficult for me to NOT rhyme, most of the time. I mean I can try to, but I actually prefer rhyme (if you couldn't tell by the 50+ poems that rhyme) I may attempt it in the future, though. We shall see!

Where there is life\r\nThere is death.\r\nWhere there is doom\r\nThere is hope.\r\nWhere there is hate\r\nThere is love.\r\n\r\nIt holds us together,\r\nAs much as it tears us apart\r\nIt cuts us away from each other,\r\nWhile taping us all back in place.\r\n\r\nSuch contradictions\r\nWe will never understand\r\nAnd to live through them\r\nIs something that can't be planned\r\n\r\nWhat do you choose?\r\nLove, Hope, and Life?\r\nOr Death, Doom, and Strife?\r\nIt isn't up to the world,\r\nIt is up to you.\r\nWhat will you do?\r\n_____\r\n\r\n[quote]So this is just me, but I don't rhyme in my poetry because I feel constrained by the words I have to choose to fit a rhyme. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe you should try something without rhyming.[/quote]\r\nI really wish I could. It's sort of difficult for me to NOT rhyme, most of the time. I mean I can try to, but I actually prefer rhyme (if you couldn't tell by the 50+ poems that rhyme) I may attempt it in the future, though. We shall see!

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted February 22, '14 10:13pm UTC

Well I have been waiting a lil bit, but I actually have written something new. I'm a little rusty, so please forgive me. But I decided to expand on the FLP one I did.

I almost forgot to tell you, but
I left my heart in your hands.
I didn't mean for this to happen.
Trust me, this wasn't planned.

We've all been there before.
The world of suspicion.
Is there a single soul you can trust
With such a fearful disposition?

But you've somehow scaled the walls
Managed to crawl into the cracks.
Now that you've found a place in my heart,
I don't know if I can ever go back.

It's hard to trust again
After harboring heart break.
But somehow you've discovered a cure
to soothe the agonizing ache.
_____

I am totally open to comments and suggestions on this one, guys. I thought of writing a bit more, but I feel like four stanzas is a good stopping point for now.

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted March 2, '14 4:39am UTC

I hope I'll be done with this archive mess soon, because it's poems like this that make me hesitant to finish.

As I look into the water,
All that I see
Is my angry face,
Glaring back at me.

I look determined,
But I feel my own fear.
All I have to do,
Is jump down from this pier.

I can't look to the sky
Because I don't want to worry about my salvation,
Isn't taking my own life
Condeming me to ****ation?

Oh no
Here I go
Wondering about what is next.
Is there a way to say that I am afraid?
Without having some one coming in to invade
On my poor little pity parade?
I can't remeber the last time I prayed.

But this is why I want to leave
So I don't have to wonder.
If this next life really exists.

After I stop unclenching my fists,
I jump off the rail, and start to fall.
I hit the water, with a sound as loud as thunder. Hoping it was heard by all.

As I lose my sensory feelings, One clear thought screams through my head.
I'm going under and there is nothing I can do.
Nothing I want to do.
Nothing to be done.
I guess I lost in the long run

Because all I see is black
I don't hear a voice,
Trying to call me back.
I don't feel my self being lifted or pulled
To heaven or hell.
There goes my shot at figuring it out.
Seems usless now to think, Oh well.

I feel myself
fading away
Not even darkness
Just a generic shade of grey.
So this is what it boils down to.
Nothing in itself.
Let me fade off with this last adieu.

I hope I'll be done with this archive mess soon, because it's poems like this that make me hesitant to finish. \r\n\r\nAs I look into the water,\r\nAll that I see\r\nIs my angry face,\r\nGlaring back at me.\r\n\r\nI look determined,\r\nBut I feel my own fear.\r\nAll I have to do,\r\nIs jump down from this pier.\r\n\r\nI can't look to the sky\r\nBecause I don't want to worry about my salvation,\r\nIsn't taking my own life\r\nCondeming me to ****ation?\r\n\r\nOh no\r\nHere I go\r\nWondering about what is next.\r\nIs there a way to say that I am afraid?\r\nWithout having some one coming in to invade\r\nOn my poor little pity parade?\r\nI can't remeber the last time I prayed.\r\n\r\nBut this is why I want to leave\r\nSo I don't have to wonder.\r\nIf this next life really exists.\r\n\r\nAfter I stop unclenching my fists,\r\nI jump off the rail, and start to fall.\r\nI hit the water, with a sound as loud as thunder. Hoping it was heard by all.\r\n\r\nAs I lose my sensory feelings, One clear thought screams through my head.\r\nI'm going under and there is nothing I can do.\r\nNothing I want to do.\r\nNothing to be done.\r\nI guess I lost in the long run\r\n\r\nBecause all I see is black\r\nI don't hear a voice,\r\nTrying to call me back.\r\nI don't feel my self being lifted or pulled\r\nTo heaven or hell.\r\nThere goes my shot at figuring it out.\r\nSeems usless now to think, Oh well.\r\n\r\nI feel myself\r\nfading away\r\nNot even darkness\r\nJust a generic shade of grey.\r\nSo this is what it boils down to.\r\nNothing in itself.\r\nLet me fade off with this last adieu.

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted March 4, '14 7:53am UTC

Goooooodness gracious I really do wonder what was going on in my head during those years of middle school and high school. Such a pity I can't remember, but it's probably for the better that I can't remember what made me so darn sad and angsty.

Sitting still,
Time means nothing,
Everything around,
Moving slowly.

Don't understand.
What just happened,
Or how it came to be.
All there was,
Was a little kid
Running through street.

Hearing sirens,
Rush around me,
Can't feel my feet on the ground.
Suddenly,
Everything is back to normal,
and I make the mistake of looking around.

Lifted next to another gurney,
With a little boy strapped up tight.
His head was bleeding freely,
He was looking into a light.

He then looked over at me,
And I gave him a painful smile.
He wasn't even 7 years old,
What a poor little child.

He gazed up to the light again,
A smile broke across his face.
He then drifted to the sky,
To a better place.

I couldn't seem to grasp,
That it is I that caused his death.
I didn't realize that I was responsible,
For making him breath his last breath.

Goooooodness gracious I really do wonder what was going on in my head during those years of middle school and high school. Such a pity I can't remember, but it's probably for the better that I can't remember what made me so darn sad and angsty.\r\n\r\nSitting still,\r\nTime means nothing,\r\nEverything around,\r\nMoving slowly.\r\n\r\nDon't understand.\r\nWhat just happened,\r\nOr how it came to be.\r\nAll there was,\r\nWas a little kid\r\nRunning through street.\r\n\r\nHearing sirens,\r\nRush around me,\r\nCan't feel my feet on the ground.\r\nSuddenly,\r\nEverything is back to normal,\r\nand I make the mistake of looking around.\r\n\r\nLifted next to another gurney,\r\nWith a little boy strapped up tight.\r\nHis head was bleeding freely,\r\nHe was looking into a light.\r\n\r\nHe then looked over at me,\r\nAnd I gave him a painful smile.\r\nHe wasn't even 7 years old,\r\nWhat a poor little child.\r\n\r\nHe gazed up to the light again,\r\nA smile broke across his face.\r\nHe then drifted to the sky,\r\nTo a better place.\r\n\r\nI couldn't seem to grasp,\r\nThat it is I that caused his death.\r\nI didn't realize that I was responsible,\r\nFor making him breath his last breath.

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted March 4, '14 6:46pm UTC

Where the sky reaches the land
Higher and higher
Touch God's hand
An overwhelming desire
To reach the peak
At peace with the life
No more answers to seek
No more strife
For me
Just live
And be free.

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Salvidian

4,170 posts

Farmer

Posted March 4, '14 10:15pm UTC

For me
Just live
And be free.

These lines seemed kind of short and I think it messed with the meter a bit. But if they were song lyrics, they would probably work pretty well.

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted March 6, '14 1:03am UTC

These lines seemed kind of short and I think it messed with the meter a bit. But if they were song lyrics, they would probably work pretty well.

Yeah, you're right. I meant to have punctuation there. You gotta kind pause for effect. Or affect. It's effect, right? yeah.

Anyways this is something new. Not very good but I figure if I keep messin around and just force myself to write something, then maybe I'll get a smidgen of inspiration.

I can't stop doing it.
It must be in my veins.
Silencing the protesters,
Throwing them in chains.

I can't let anyone know.
Don't you understand?
No one can ever see
What I have planned.

It's quite simple, really.
But this I can't disclose.
You'll have to wait and see
Until the final chapter is composed.

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Freakenstein

9,504 posts

Jester

Posted March 6, '14 1:30am UTC

This recent piece must have unraveled the inner minds of the Koch Brothers.

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted March 6, '14 3:11pm UTC

Alright well I am still in semi-archive mode, and this was one for the poetry contest I think.

Trenches, trenches
which ones to choose?
The ones during the war
in which Germany was doomed to lose?

What are the other types of trenches are there?
I look at my mom and ask her my question,
And it is quite apparent that she doesn't care.. ("> &gt
And now it has become my obsession
to find out about other types of trenches besides warfare

My research isn't fruitful
and now I am lost
I don't know what else to rhyme about
because my computer battery is about to exhaust.
_____

obviously not a serious poem. Anyways. Prepare yourselves for tomorrow's angst-filled poem! Until next time, darlings.

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Riptizoid101

6,257 posts

Farmer

Posted March 6, '14 8:29pm UTC

Emily is experimenting with new material?

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Riptizoid101

6,257 posts

Farmer

Posted March 6, '14 8:32pm UTC

Woah my post was cut off. Forgot about the whole greater or less than signs cutting posts off. Just imagine a big 'ol heart right here.

As for constructive criticism, I'm quite fatigued right now so my post would most likely be filled with blabbering and sweet nothings, so I'll just shut up and tell you to keep it up. =3

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MoonFairy

3,386 posts

Shepherd

Posted March 7, '14 9:36pm UTC

As for constructive criticism, I'm quite fatigued right now so my post would most likely be filled with blabbering and sweet nothings, so I'll just shut up and tell you to keep it up. =3

Aw, thank you darling~

It is hot outside
But I am frozen.
There is nothing left
to keep me goin.

I am still walking around
And I still seem the same
But on the inside
There isn't a single flame.

I don't make a sound
Cause my heart doesn't beat.
I'm just waiting for someone
To help make me complete.

It's freezing in here
As cold as ice.
I'm waiting for my heart to melt.
But it won't,
Cause I won't make the same mistake twice.

You taught me
That even if something is great,
It will leave just like you did.
Cause it is my fate.

It was great until you went.
You just left me there alone
I will never forget what you did.
So now, I am fine on my own.

I don't need to feel like that again.
It couldn't possibly be good for any condition.
All the times that my heart skipped a few beats.
Boy, you played me like a musician.

So I don't need
A warm heart anymore.
Cause dealing with people
Became such a chore.

I will embrace the cold.
With open arms.
As you once did for me,
With all of your supposed 'love' and charms.

Yet there is still some hope left inside of me
That maybe one day,
Someone will come along,
And my world might not be so grey.
_____

I wish you guys could understand just how much I regret writing stuff like this, but it was a really good outlet for me. So as much as it pains me to put it in my archive, I do think it is important for me to be able and remember bits and pieces of that phase of my life. However stupid that phase may be.

[quote]As for constructive criticism, I'm quite fatigued right now so my post would most likely be filled with blabbering and sweet nothings, so I'll just shut up and tell you to keep it up. =3[/quote]\r\nAw, thank you darling~\r\n\r\nIt is hot outside\r\nBut I am frozen.\r\nThere is nothing left\r\nto keep me goin.\r\n\r\nI am still walking around\r\nAnd I still seem the same\r\nBut on the inside\r\nThere isn't a single flame.\r\n\r\nI don't make a sound\r\nCause my heart doesn't beat.\r\nI'm just waiting for someone\r\nTo help make me complete.\r\n\r\nIt's freezing in here\r\nAs cold as ice.\r\nI'm waiting for my heart to melt.\r\nBut it won't,\r\nCause I won't make the same mistake twice.\r\n\r\nYou taught me\r\nThat even if something is great,\r\nIt will leave just like you did.\r\nCause it is my fate.\r\n\r\nIt was great until you went.\r\nYou just left me there alone\r\nI will never forget what you did.\r\nSo now, I am fine on my own.\r\n\r\nI don't need to feel like that again.\r\nIt couldn't possibly be good for any condition.\r\nAll the times that my heart skipped a few beats.\r\nBoy, you played me like a musician.\r\n\r\nSo I don't need\r\nA warm heart anymore.\r\nCause dealing with people\r\nBecame such a chore.\r\n\r\nI will embrace the cold.\r\nWith open arms.\r\nAs you once did for me,\r\nWith all of your supposed 'love' and charms.\r\n\r\nYet there is still some hope left inside of me\r\nThat maybe one day,\r\nSomeone will come along,\r\nAnd my world might not be so grey.\r\n_____\r\n\r\nI wish you guys could understand just how much I regret writing stuff like this, but it was a really good outlet for me. So as much as it pains me to put it in my archive, I do think it is important for me to be able and remember bits and pieces of that phase of my life. However stupid that phase may be.

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