As some of you might already know. I'm Moon. This is my third attempt at keeping a thread alive.
It's totally gonna die, and I might cry. But it's worth a try :3
^ Poem of the OP. Please Help the poem prove itself wrong, and don't let it die. Donate your time and feedback to this poor thread, so it can feed it's baby poems. :>
Anyways. I'm not really sure what all this will contain, I just hope there will actually be people willing to help me become better at whatever I try to do. So... I guess that means I will be writing (duh), drawing, and other artsy-fartsy stuff I shall attempt.
So... That's all I have for the OP! I hope that all onlookers will enjoy what I do!
Maybe I should look at my summer reading.... ehhh I haven't done summer reading since middle school so nah >8D Lesse... I could do Chinese and Laundry... maybe....
Maybe I'll go write out my own schedule, while I stick this here.
Instead of reaching conclusions I find illusions Things that aren't real Misleading my mind This wasn't the deal. This isn't what I was supposed to find.
The dead body on the floor This wasn't the condition upon which we swore No one was supposed to get hurt You weren't to kill anyone How this situation I want to invert You weren't a hired gun.
Innocent and harmless Now because of your mistake we have to confess You blew the whole mission Don't blame me You put us in this condition How is this what I was to foresee?
Here is a tale Of a fallen hero. Thrown from his home, Family and friends He lays, crumpled on the ground. The corner of a forgotten dead end. He goes through his memories of his False fame and glory. The people that took the blame So he could be a hero in his own story. He caught the bad guys, Convicted evil doers. No one questioned the evidence. No one thought to look At what was inside Of our Hero's little black book. The lives of the 'evil' Were honestly innocent But they were played As our Hero's instrument. They took the fall, So he could appear good. Who would think to question What no one else would? Our Hero had a boy A good natured son Who would've thought He would be the one? To uncover the truths About his father. What was he thinking? Why did he bother? He saw the black book And read of the lives That were held inside. The boy went to the papers, And our Hero's fame reached it's end. No one adored him, Now that they knew what he did. The boy rose to the occasion As the first Hero fell. He would not lie so that people would praise him, He only promised this story to retell.
Wooooo. Well, whatever there was going on with that dippy and I, it is over. They really called the cops, and the cop just told them to go back home and sort it out themselves.
THANK YOU OFFICER D.
Anyways. An old new piece:
No matter the turn of events No matter the situation They stuck through it all Even through the complications. I've always questioned their feelings for me I've never thought that I changed But apparently I have Because now I can brighten their day. I always thought I brought them down But I see that I make them smile I can manipulate the air around And make our times worthwhile.
That last one sounded like the lyrics to a song. Oh, and 'manipulate the air around' was an incredible phrase. It leads up to a lot of other really interesting thoughts and it kind of hints at the possibility of you being a superhero.
I actually disliked that line, but still used it lol.
Anyways, update:
A picnic on a diving board Eating all the food That we could afford Simple dining While the sun was shining Is it possible That our hearts were aligning? You're here now Here for me I want to understand What do you see? It is more of an investigation Because people run When they see my reputation. I love it that you stick around You know what to say It is so profound I thought I would drive you away And I tried very hard But the evil I do You just disregard.
A picnic on the diving board I don't deserve you as a reward.
Tell me Moon, how does one commence a picnic on said diving board?
Overall the flow is generally even and the rhyming is well put together. Only critique is that the punctuation is a little off throughout the entire poem, and that tend to affect its rhythm. Aside from that minor detail it's well done and I enjoyed it's simplicity in theme.
Walking out to war The new feel of those Shiny hard helmets Gotta have dry socks Have to blend in
A bomb goes off In the distance Men go down My brother Along with them They held me back From saving you They kept me from From keeping you alive Why did it have to be you And not I?
Our parents will never see you again Never hear your laugh Just the memories. The good were few The bad were many I should of changed that I could've.
But I didn't.
It is my fault And I know you would say otherwise But I was supposed to be in your squad, Your place. I sent you to your demise. Unknowingly.
Nicely done, good play on the emotion. The first stanza really doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem which, in my opinion, really disrupts the flow. Other than that, I thought it was quite good.
Hey guys. I'm back. Thanks to Emperor I'll be semi trying to keep up with poetry and stuff. I'd really appreciate it if you guys told me what you think about any of my stuff, but you don't have to. Just the views are still appreciated. Anyways this is the poem I posted for the Poetry Contest~
A never ending war between mankind. Not over land and gold, But of hearts and growing old. We all want just one, To keep to ourselves. Our lovely little secret, In our souls held by a spell.
A most blissful feeling, That cannot be compared. A personal journey, With only one that can be shared. But what is true bliss, Without catastrophe? How can we reach true joy, Without agony?
Is not the taste sweeter, When its prologue was sour?
Anyways..I'm tired, distracted (by you, nonetheless), and other shiz..so I won't be doing much of an analysis..but when I get the chance I shall.
The first stanza has a very natural tone about it..I can easily imagine someone actually reading it to me.
The last four lines in both stanzas also excel with flow..so much so that I want them to continue on..just to bask in the flow. It may not have been intentional, but the effect created by the flow and the desire for it to continue gave the poem a more intrusive touch into my feels..and I like that.
The one thing that throws me off is the sporadic rhyming..though, that isn't to say it is a negative..I'm just personally used to constant rhyming.
But..like I said..keep up the work! And don't fret..I shan't let this die
