Welcome to Slap the Cheese, a cheese-slapping game where you slap cheese.
HOW TO PLAY
1. Generate a Cheese if the cheese is dead by rolling d4 for hardness 1 = 10 HP = Soft 2 = 50 HP = Medium 3 = 100 HP = Hard 4 = 500 HP = Brick!
2. Update the cheese HP.
Optional: Narrate the above poster's action.
3. Roll d20 for Slap Damage.
You throw the cheese at the sun. It misses, but not before the sun simultaneously melting and encrusting a part of the space Brie. One day, that part shall end up on the moon, and we can truly say. "The moon is (partially) made of cheese".
Crusty, Moldy Cheese: 445/500
Well, I guess the Cheese is up there somewhere in space now. Nothing much to do, but to wait a few weeks and. Hey wait, it's been a few weeks. Even more so! The cheese ought-a return from orbit now!
I watch the Cheese as it CrashesIntoEarth = 15
As you watch the cheese fall, you start to wonder why it seems to be getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit you! Your head is very hard so the cheese took good damage.
Mold Cheese: 430/500
After the cheese hit you, it also turned out that you have a very bouncy head as well. So bouncy that it bounced all the way to Mars where the Martians mistook it for a government spaceship and blasted it with their [roll 1d20 Martian Death Laser!]
Dang. Turns out, the MartianDeathLaser works on Carbon and Silicon-based life, but not on lactose based life (like the cheese). It does have quite a bit of force behind it, though, so it pushes the cheese back into the solar system.
Mold Cheese: 426/500
Now that the cheese is stuck somewhere in the solar system, I use the favor Elon Musk owes me to contact Starman and have him throw the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy he has in his glovebox in just the right way to redirect the Brie BackToEarthOrbit = 19
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy managed to hit the MOLDY BRIE BRICK in just the right direction that it came rocketing back to Earth. Elon Musk considers sciller45's debt REPAID IN FULL WITH A CHERRY ON TOP and kindly asks you to return the cherry on some later occasion. In doing so, the cheese just so happened to hit my PREMIUM DEPLETED URANIUM LAUNDROMAT, and due to the toughness of the material as well as the rigors of re-entry taking MASSIVE DAMAGE which is very slightly undermined by landing in the laundry of a VERY UNFORTUNATE PERSON[link removed].
Mold Cheese: 407/500
Surprisingly, the pile of laundry the brie happened to land in was directly adjacent to the MASSIVE SHELVES OF FABRIC SOFTENER which has since spilled and pooled around the moldy brick causing the infernal cheese to SOFTEN_ANTICLIMACTICALLY = 19
For some reason, the fabric softener also appears to make the soft cheese even softer, almost silky smooth! It does loose a bit of consistency in the process.
Mold Cheese: 388/500
I throw the pile of laundry out in the back yard, where two crows craw "Ya, ya, so nice, so smooth!" and pick up the cheese in exchange for a slab of stone. CrowBeak = 10
The crows go at the hunk of brie, making a few good dents in its not so solid exterior. Despite their best efforts to eat it, the cheese remains fairly intact.
Mold Cheese: 378/500
The crows also happen to be poisoned by the fabric softener. They die and cause the nest to tip and fall onto the mobile launcher platform for Elon Musk's new space shuttle, the Curdler X. Elon initiates the launch sequence none the wiser, and the cheese is blasted by the Liftoff = 3.
